mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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