i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
