I think I died a long time ago.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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