when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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