our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize