So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
