they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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