I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize