I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
