I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
this is an emotional support booty call
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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