I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
