I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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