I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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