I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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