every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
