either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
