my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hello my rib-scented angel!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
