I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
