I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
