I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
