chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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