Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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