Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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