I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
