I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
