omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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