giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
