i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize