im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
