You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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