She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
