She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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