You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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