New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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