Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
