well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
