turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
