I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
