Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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