genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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