Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
