At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
