ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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