so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
