im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
