Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
