last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
