I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
