She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
