I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
