she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
