I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
