the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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