I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize