North Korea, Best Korea!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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