1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
