Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
