I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
