How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
