First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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