The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She's the barista slut.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
