I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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