I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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