Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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