there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
