just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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