So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
