So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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